Rei Ayanami
by Chole the Vedgehog
Summary: Quick one shot just to test the waters of the uploadermagiger. Rei has a life changing experience. I don't make any profit from this, but if copyright people want it gone, then I shall gone it. Just practising and showing off my writing SKILLS in a known sandbox.
1. Chapter 1

Once upon a time, it was a dark and stormy night, on a bright and sunny morning, and yet, in the beginning, there was a planet, and the planet said "" because it was a planet and couldn't talk. Soon afterwards, huge spaceships departed in disguise as embryos to fertilise the other planets. Soon afterwards, one these spaceships crashed into a planet an awful lot like earth that happened to be called earth. And then another spaceship crashed into it by mistake, and so a great war started. Eventually, earth won, and knowledge is key.

Many a very long times later, Kaworu stood at a bus stop and gazed upon the horizon. There, he saw Shinji, and it him feel gooood. But then he turned around, and saw his brother, who was also his son, killing everyone. This did not make him feel good, because everyone did not asked to be killed. And then he got hit by Misato's car.

This was sad, as Misato had a very nice car and Kaworu's body put a dent in it. And then the angel reached Adam except it didn't because it wasn't Adam. And then the angel got annoyed and killed itself. This is a very good way to defeat angels, but Gendo is a dick.

Meanwhile in Shinji, Misato's car pulled up at the railway station, but down the road there was Rei Ayanami, who ran away because there was an angel attacking. Meanwhile in Rei Ayanami, Rei was secretly desperately in love with the boy who sat in the classroom window in the classroom on the opposing side of the school courtyard to her classroom, but she didn't tell anyone because she doesn't know how to communicate.

One day, Hikari punched Rei in the face, and then she died. Hikari was arrested, and Rei testimonied against her in court. At this point the case against Hikari collapsed, as Rei clearly wasn't dead otherwise she wouldn't have provided a testimony against her in court.


	2. Chapter 2

Misato's beautiful wonderful lovely sexy in a strangely arousing way Alpine A310 sped through the beautiful Paris Metro of the Californian city of Palo Alto, narrowly avoiding trains as it kissed the ceiling. Shinji sat in the passenger seat fingering his way through the folder Misato had just handed him. OH YEAH!

Professional Fuyutsuki was busting his moves as five fellows from Oxford going by the collective name "Radiohead" triggered vibrations in his desk laden lair, sponsored by Microsoft. As this was occurring Rei and Gendo entered to begin the conversation.

"All witnesses to this humiliating incident have been car crushered, NERV can sleep the night without the public learning of Naoko's great weakness."

""

"I see."

"However, as a result of the Fourth Children not breaking the law and engaging in illegal falafel, the First Children is in no state to get in the damn robot effectively. I have summoncedified my son. He shall emerge shortly if President Katsuragi has successfully performed her little ditty."

"Dear god!"

"I see."

"Rei, you will only get in the damn robot if the Third Children is as big a pair of balls as his aunt and uncle and teacher and her uncle all say he is."

"I see."

Meanwhile Misato had managed to get her GLORIOUS, GLORIOUS I SAY; BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP IT AS IF IT HAD BOUGHT YOU INTO THIS WORLD; Alpine A310 stuck on the roof of Turin. But that's no good, so fortunately she had parachutes, and thus, in a totally legal manner, she and Shinji entered the Geofront.

"Good day, Cap'n."

"Aye aye tenancy agreement."

"Beautiful day for MASS DESTRUCTION, don't you think?"

"Indeed it is Maya-chan, if anything I think the JSSDDDF Z were underzealous with their use of nukes earlier. Their failure to cause the absolute maximum possible collateral damage fills me with mountains."

"Not mountains Katsuragi-sama!"

"Indeed Maya-chan."

"WHERE IS THE THIRD CHILD?" Gendo spoke in all caps.

"He's right here commander. Covered in cinnamon, just as you ordered." Shinji rolled around on the floor screaming.

"Thank you Kamisuragi-sama, it's always good to have a first lord of the treasury we can rely on. Now, have you briefed him on getting it on?"

"Getting it on?" Doctor Ritsuko Akagi-sensei-senpai queried as she glided into the environ.

"You know," Gendo continued "killy killy angel."

"I'm sorry to break it to you sir, but all of the angels are dead. They realised that we had Lilith here rather than Adam and went full Seppuku."

"Oh... That's good, Empress Misato, so... Now what?"

At that moment Maya started liking Doctor Ritsuko Akagi-sensei-sempai's face in a really distracting way, and everyone passed out.

Shinji awoke covered in nothing but a shower cap, water, and air. And skin. And hair. There was skin and hair all over him. And a couple of eyes. And 10 fingernails and 10 toenails. And then Orson Wells harshly criticised this writing for being terrible and self referential and hypocritical and unoriginal.

He had no idea where he was, or why he smelt of cinnamon, but he had a migraine strong enough to peel a hippopotamus. After a short period he found David Byrne's big suit, and seeing as he was naked and there was nothing else to put on, he slipped into it.

That's right. Shinji Ikari stole David Byrne's big suit. HOW DARE HE. That terrible child. He's obviously evil. He should be locked away for the rest of his life before he does something really perverted in a hospital ward. He should be deported to Tuvalu and forced to act as a barrier to stop the sea from drowning the island that was already 80 metres underwater after Misato's dad had too many refried beans and destroyed the Antarctic ice shelf.

As he adventured onwards, Shinji stumbled around a corner. He was thirsty. He saw a water fountain, so he DRINK DRINK DRINK, but as he DRINK DRINK DRINK he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around, and behind him he saw a girl with pale blue hair, a butterscotch (when that word comes up you can tell that shit is about to get real) top, and a slice of toast hanging in her mouth.

"Welcome to Reality Number Panda!" she let cry cheerfully. Shinji was startled. He could only splutter. "This is going to be hard to explain. You've been selected, you see." Shinji shook his head as she finished this statement.

"Well you see, prepare yourself. You see, are you riding Asuka's baloney pony?" Shinji was only more baffled as she said this. "Wait, wrong thing. Basically, there are the realities, but once you overcome everything, Chole the Vedgehog is the very best."

"What on earth?" Shinji finally found some words.

"Well, this ain't earth. It's kinda... SPACE. Cool, huh?"

"Wh... Why am I in space...?"

"Because you've been selected."

"By who?"

"By Chole."

"Who's Chole?"

"That doesn't matter. What matters is that we get you to the Doctors."

Shinji couldn't get a word in before she grabbed his hand and dragged him off.


End file.
